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Off Sides/Script
Cast *Tim Taylor - Tim Allen *Jill Taylor - Patricia Richardson *Randy Taylor - Jonathan Taylor Thomas *Brad Taylor - Zachery Ty Bryan *Mark Taylor - Taran Noah Smith *Wilson - Earl Hindman Guest Cast *Al Borland - Richard Karn *Sir Larry Houdini - Eric Christmas *Rick - John Marshall Jones *Alice - Deborah Lacey *Franco - Rudolph Willrich Script credits Episode begins in the living room. There is a football game on the TV. Tim is walking around the room, holding a football and using a small sieve as a microphone, commentating. Tim: Welcome to the Taylor house, and we're about ready to start that second half of this fantastic game, Greenbay Packers, Minnesota Vikings. Grunts Uh-uh-uh. passes the football to Randy, who is sitting on the armchair Before we go down to the field, let's check out that snack situation. Mark, take it away. hands the sieve to Mark, who is sitting on the couch, and then sits down next to him. Mark turns to the table next to the couch Mark: Pretzels, liquorice, pork rinds. Tim: Yeah! tosses the sieve back to Tim That's three major food groups right there: salt, sugar. lard! stands up and goes over to the table Alright. Today I've got cold bruskies for me, ice cold root bruskies for my boys. throws a can to Randy. Brad is in the kitchen with a bag of potato chips Brad: Dad! Tim: Yeah? Brad: Here's the chips. throws the bag to Tim like a football Tim: You got it, buddy. Brad: Go long. Tim: Nice pass, kid! enters from the garage with the laundry Alright. runs over the back of the couch and jumps into his seat. Tim struggles to open the chip packet Randy: Dad. Tim: What? Randy: You're turning all red. Tim: Uh! rips the bag apart, spraying chips everywhere. Jill looks at Tim Ha-ha-ha-ha... Haa-haa-ha. There's a warning label right there, from the bag "You shouldn't open these in broad daylight in Detroit. Could cause an explosion." Hah. Hah. Jill: Wowww, look at this warning label, "reads" some socks and throws them at Tim "Socks may strike husband, unexpectantly!" Tim: You could put an eye out like that. Boys, help me clean this mess up. Second half's about ready to begin here. Hurry up! boys get out of their seats to help clean up. Tim jogs over to the broom cupboard Jill: Now listen, don't get too involved in that Tim. We have to get ready to go soon. goes over to Tim Tim: Go? Where are we going? hands Randy some cleaning stuff Jill: Dinner, tonight, Chez Pierre? Tim: That can't be tonight. Jill: It most certainly is. Tim: Well, what about the big game? Jill: Well, what have you been watching all this time? Tim: This is the little game. Right before the big game. starts setting the table The big game's the Rams and the Lions. Why didn't you remind me about dinner? Jill: Now don't pull that. I asked you yesterday if you had reconfirmed the reservations, and you said, "Uh-huh." And then I said were they for seven o'clock, and you said, "Uh-huh." And then I said did you get the babysitter, and you said, "Uh-huh." So I guess that means you didn't get the babysitter, huh? Tim: Uh-uh. Jill: Unbelievable. Tim: I completely forgot. We can't get a babysitter at this late hour. This is a tremendous disappointment. sits at the counter Jill: Yeah, I'll bet it is. This was supposed to be our romantic night out. Tim: Hey, romance: I got it. Why don't you and I go upstairs, turn the lights down, sit in bed, bottle of wine, and we can watch the game up there! Jill: Well, you're not getting out of this with anything short of pneumonia. starts fake coughing. Jill picks up the phone Tim: Boy, it's funny you mention that. dials a number This morning, I hawked up something nasty-looking. Pshh - shot right out of my lungs. Jill: Well suck it back in. We're going to dinner! Cut to the living room, that evening. and Jill enter, dressed up. The boys admire them Jill: Whoa! wolf whistles Brad: You don't whistle at guys, you dufus. Jill: You can when they looks as handsome as your daddy. points the remote at the TV. The boys sit round the table Tim: You look pretty good yourself, sweetheart. and Jill kiss Brad, Randy & Mark: Urgh! Uh-uh-urgh-urgh! Tim: Put a lid on it. Randy: Who'd you get to babysit for us? Linda? Jill: No, she finds you boys a little... active. Randy: Good. She smells. Brad: Hopefully Did you get Alison? Jill: No honey, she's busy. But she sends her love. kisses at Brad. Brad attacks Randy Stop that. Sit, sit. sits down again Brad: Then who'd you get? Jill: Well, I, I found someone new. doorbell rings Tim: is watching the game on TV, engrossed Go! Go! Go! Jill: Tim! Tim: turning from the TV Go get the door! goes towards the door Jill: Please turn off the television. opens the door. Sir Larry is standing there Sir Larry: Mrs. Taylor? Jill: Yes. Sir Larry: Sir Larry Houdini, world's second greatest escape artist Larry is wearing coat and tails and magician extraordinaire! Larry produces a bunch of flowers from his sleeve and hands them to Jill Randy: Hey, you're great! I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party. Larry enters and Jill closes the door Sir Larry: Oh, lovely little girl. Randy: Chris is a boy. Sir Larry: Strange little boy. Larry looks around But tell me, where are the birthday balloons, funny party hats, the pony ride? Jill: Well, um, actually, no-one here is having a birthday. Sir Larry: You told me on the phone it was a birthday. Jill: Yeah, I know. I lied. takes Sir Larry to one side I'm so sorry. I was desperate. My husband didn't get a babysitter and I called everybody I knew, and, and everybody was busy, and. Couldn't you just, please, stay? Sir Larry: Never! Never! Sir Larry has performed prestidigitation before prime ministers, heads of state, two kings, and a cranky duke. And never once has he stooped to babysitting to make ends meet. hands him some money. Singing Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday "your names here," Happy birthday to you. Jill: Thank you so much. You don't know what this means to me. Sir Larry: Well boys, the performance is about to start. So would you please help Sir Larry in with his magical trunk. boys go towards the front door. Tim comes over to Jill Tim: Er, Jill, hold on a minute. What's going on here? Jill: Um, Sir Larry, this is my husband Tim. Tim, this is Sir Larry, the babysitter. Tim: How're you doing? Sir Larry: And magician extraordinaire. boys wheels in Sir Larry's trunk Tim: Yeah, I'll bet you are, Larry. follows Jill into the kitchen Ah, Jill. You got a magician to babysit my boys? gets Tim's and her coats. Jill looks at Tim Perfect, perfect. Jill: Sir Larry! Ah, the number where we are at the restaurant is right here. pats the counter by the phone Call us if you have any problems. is a cheer from the TV Brad: Whoa! jumps onto the couch Tim: What happened, Brad? What happened? Brad: Lions just recovered a fumble! Tim: Yes! Jill: O.K., goodbye boys, goodbye Sir Larry. Let's go Tim. Tim: We should stay and watch a trick. Jill: It's not gonna work Tim. Let's go. Tim: Oh, my wallet. Left it over there by the TV. starts towards the TV Jill: I've got credit cards. comes back over to Jill Tim: Do you. My medicine's up by the TV upstairs. starts towards the stairs Jill: You don't take medicine. comes back over to Jill and follows her into the garage Tim: Oh! I should take some. I'm feeling a hawker coming on. Cut to the restaurant, a little later that evening. and Jill are sitting at their table Jill: This is so romantic. And you have to admit, it's a beautiful place. Tim: A beautiful place for a beautiful woman. Jill: Awww. Thank you sweetie. and Jill toast their glasses I really, really do appreciate this. I know it was hard for you to leave that game. Tim: Game? What game? Jill: the waiter, Franco Excuse me sir, um, can you tell me where the ladies room is? Franco: Hm, down the hall, to the left. Jill: I'll be right back. and Jill stand up Tim: I'll be right here, Jill, goes to the ladies room right here. I'll be right here. takes a radio out of his pocket and takes off his jacket. To the man at the table next to him Could you give me a hand with this thing? Rick: Is that a radio? Tim: Yeah! Rick: You got the game on? Tim: Got the game on. gets up and gives Tim a hand with the earpiece wire, which is taped to his back I want to get that second quarter before she gets back from the bathroom. Rick: Aw man. helps Tim put his jacket back on This is absolutely brilliant. sits down Tim: Thanks bud. sticks the earpiece in his ear Rick: So what's happening? Tim: Hold on a minute. listens to the radio Here we go. Yes! Rick: What? What? What? Tim: I dunno. Some kind of interception. They're inside six, first in goal. Rick: Alright! What's the score? Tim: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Rodney's in motion. Rick: Uh-huh. sits down at his table Tim: Rodney peats back, he's back, returns Jill's back! raises his arm at Jill to hide the earpiece Hi Jill. stands up Jill: Did you miss me? helps Jill into her chair, with his shoulder pressed against his ear Tim: Sure I missed you. sees the funny way Tim is standing Jill: Are you O.K? Tim: Oh, yeah. You ever twist your neck real fast, get one of those cricks? sits down Oh, I got that. Jill: Do you want me to rub it? and Tim look at each other Jill & Tim: Your/my neck. rests his head on his hand Tim: No, if I put my hand like this, it, phoo, it feels much better now. Jill: O.K. and Jill look at the menu Oooh, look at this. Endive soufflé prepared with mushrooms. Tim: Excited YES! looks at Tim Mushrooms! Hmm! Jill: Laughing Tim, you don't like mushrooms. Tim: At home no, but here, y'know, pfff, they're in oils and stuff, yeah. Jill: Oh, look, look, they have your favorite: trout almandy. Tim: Excited ALRIGHT! looks at Tim partner, Alice, has returned Rick: What happened? Tim: Loudly I'm having the trout! sits back in her chair Jill: Tim, would you like to tell me what's going on? Why you're, er, sitting like that? Tim: My neck. Jill: Well, perhaps I should look at it. gets up Tim: No! no. From the naked eye sits down again it would look like any other neck. Jill: A-ha. Tim: And, it's a, cricks are generally inside necks. Jill: Give me your hand. hands Jill his other hand Tim: Hey, look at that. Jill: Give me your other hand. Tim: I don't want to. takes his hand away from his ear and Jill sees the earpiece Jill: Oh Tim, give me the radio. gives her the radio Tim: I wasn't gonna listen to the whole thing sighs Would it help if I said I was sorry? Jill: It might. Tim: I'm sorry. Jill: It didn't. Is this the volume? turns up the volume Tim: Ahhhh! removes the earpiece break Cut to the living room. Larry is wearing a straitjacket. Brad and Randy are wrapping chains around him. Mark is sitting on the counter, watching Sir Larry: So that's it boys. Nice and tight. Sir Larry loves a challenge. Randy: This is too cool! Sir Larry: Oh, thank you my lad. and Randy finish with the chains Brad: Do we get to stick swords in the box? Sir Larry: Sword in the box. Fantastic illusion. Sends the mind reeling and the pulse racing. I don't do it. Mark: Why not? is playing with Sir Larry's top hat Sir Larry: Too easy. Now then my lad, will you kindly assist me into the trunk. helps him in Thank you. Now, you will close the trunk and lock it. When I give the command, you will set the timer at 10 seconds. And when the timer goes off, I shall appear at the front door. Randy: I don't know. 10 seconds isn't very long. Sir Larry: To you. But to Sir Larry, 10 seconds is an eternity! Now boys, prepare to be astonished! Larry kneels down in the trunk. Theatrically Close the lid! Larry crouches down. Brad and Randy close the lid and lock the trunk. Randy taps the top of the trunk Is the trunk securely locked? Brad: Yes it is. Sir Larry: Then set the timer and stand back. sets the timer and the boys stand back. Sir Larry struggles inside the trunk Ah. Uh. Ah. Ah. Uh. Ah. Ah. 10 seconds, the timer pings and there is a flash and a puff of smoke boys rush to the front door and open it. There is no-one there Randy: Sir Larry! Sir Larry: inside the trunk Boys! boys turn to look at the trunk Reset the timer! Cut to the restaurant, a little later. Jill: You know what you are, Tim? You are a sports addict. Tim: I am not. I like sports. I have a very healthy interest, but I am not an addict. are shouts and cheers from the kitchen. Franco walks past Tim. Tim stops him Is that the Lions game on in there? Franco: Yes, that's why service is a little slow. The staff have a television in the kitchen. starts to leave but both Tim and Rick get out of their chairs and stop him Tim: Hey. Jill: Tim! Tim: D'you get a score? sits down again Rick: What's the score? Franco: I, I'm not sure. I, I know the Lions intercepted a pass on the Rams 20? and Rick celebrate Tim & Rick: Yes! Rick: I bet it was Spielman. Tim: Oh, Chris Spielman. Awesome player. Last week, see him against Minnesota? sits down Rick: See him? Man, I was there. are more shouts from the kitchen. Rick stands up I can't take it, I can't take it. I've got to see this game. Honey, I'm sorry. takes his food I'll be back. rushes into the kitchen. Tim follows him but comes back again Tim: Heh-hey, whoo. That guy's got a problem! Heh, heh, heh, that guy is addicted to sports. sits down with Jill again He is out of control. Jill: Laughing And you're not? Tim: No. No, no. We're here to talk about whatever you want to talk about, that's. Jill: Well that's good because I wanna talk about us. Tim: Oh? Jill: Y'know how we're always talking about how we need to find more things that we can do together for fun. Tim: Yeah? Jill: We always talk about it but we never do anything about it. Tim: Let's do something about it. Jill: Yeah! Tim: Next weekend, monster truck rally and tractor pull. Jill: Well, gee, as much fun as that sounds, I was really thinking more along the lines of... ballroom dancing. Tim: Yeah-heh. Boy, that was my second choice. Jill: No, no, really. I'm serious. I think it would really be fun to take dancing lessons. Tim: Me, the king, remember, college? starts disco dancing Jill: Yeah. Tim, disco didn't die; you killed it. No, I'm talking about grown-up dancing; Fred and Ginger... Tim: I thought Fred married Wilma. Jill: No, Laughing you know what I mean. Y'know, holding each other close, swaying to the music, gliding across the floor. stops disco dancing Tim: Glidng in public's not me. Jill: We could take private lessons, just you and me. Tim: No-- from the kitchen. Rick pokes his head round the door Rick: Unbelievable! Tim: Uh-oh. comes over to Tim Rick: Come here, you've got to see this. Santas just broke one from 50 yards around the right side. They tackled him on the one, we're gonna score. It's a first down. turns to Alice Happy anniversary baby! runs back into the kitchen. Tim turns to look, and then looks at Jill, hopefully Tim: Ha-ha. is itching to leave his seat Jill: Honey, would you like to go and watch the game? Tim: No. No. We were taling about... er... Jill: Ball- Tim & Jill: -room dancing. Tim: That's what. are more shouts from the kitchen. Tim turns to look Jill: So anyway, the lessons are on Tuesday nights. Tim: A-ha. Jill: And, uh, it doesn't really cost very much. Tim: Oh. are more shouts from the kitchen. Tim turns to look Jill: And, ah, I've been having an affair with a space alien. Tim: A-ha. Jill: Yep, um, I'm having his baby. Tim: A-ha. Rick: presses his face against the window in the door to the kitchen Goal! Goal! Touchdooown! turns to look at Jill, hopefully Jill: Honey, go. Tim: I'm fine, I don't have to see the game. Jill: No, trust me. It's okay I reallllly want you to go. Tim: Thank you! goes into the kitchen Cut to the living room. Randy and Mark are bending over the trunk, trying to open it with a hand drill. The phone rings and Mark answers it Mark: Hello?... Hi Mommy, guess what happened. Sir Larry-- Randy: --Mark! grabs the phone from Mark Don't tell her, stupid. Mark: Why? We didn't do anything. Randy: The guy's locked in a box; who d'you think she's gonna blame? jumps up onto the trunk Sir Larry: Uhh! talks to the phone Randy: Hi Mom... yeah, we're fine... oh yeah. He's excellent. A lot of fun... yeah, good tricks too... um, now? Well, um, he, he can't talk right now. starts gesturing at Randy Um, he just can't. covers the phone. To Brad She wants to talk to Mark. Brad: That's because she knows he'll squeal. Mark: I won't squeal. I promise. gives Mark the phone Hello Mommy. Brad and Randy locked Sir Larry in the trunk! hangs up the phone. Brad and Randy chase him round the house Cut to the backyard, a little later. is a rope tied round the trunk. Brad and Randy are trying to hoist it up the tree. One end is lifted slightly off the ground Brad: Uhh! and Randy release the rope and the trunk drops down again Sir Larry: Uhh! Boys! Randy: It's O.K. Sir Larry. If we get the trunk high enough and drop it, it'll break open. Sir Larry: Please, let's not be hasty, boys. Mark: Mom and Dad are home. Randy: We're dead! Hide. and Randy hide in the bushes Cut to the living room. and Jill enter from the garage Tim: Boys! Jill: Randy! Mark! Brad! Mark: outside Out here! Cut to the backyard. is sitting on the trunk. Jill and Tim enter Jill: Mark, where is Mr. Houdini? kicks the trunk Ohh. Mark: In here. Jill: the trunk Are you alright, Mr. Houdini? taps the trunk Sir Larry: I'm fine. The X-rays may reveal otherwise, however. examines the rope Tim: Mark, where are your brothers? Mark: I don't know, Dad. Whispering In the bushes! Jill: Here. gets off the trunk Tim: Brad, Randy, come on out. and Randy come out from the bushes C'mon. C'mom right now. I don't know what gets into you guys sometimes. Why'd you stuff that old man in that trunk for? Randy: He told us to. Tim: Now why'd he want to be put in a trunk? Randy: But he did tell us to. Tim: No he didn't. Brad: Yeah he did, it's the truth. Tim: He's not-- is a knocking from the trunk Sir Larry: The boys are speaking the truth. They are completely innocent. Jill: Well, we'll talk about this in the morning. It's bedtime now. Randy: C'mon. Brad: C'mon. Randy: I want to see if he gets out. Jill: No, no, no, no. sends the boys inside. Tim examines the trunk I'll be up there later. Go on. Brad & Randy: Awww. boys leave Tim: Honey, we're in some kind of trouble. These are reinforced polycarbonate American butt hinges. Jill: Sir Larry, is there anything that we can do, someone we can call? Sir Larry: Yes, you can call my son Cyril the Magnificent. He has an extra set of keys, and he's at 555-7653. Jill: Alright. I'll call right away. goes inside Tim: Hang in there Sir Larry. Just take real short little breaths. is a strange noise Wilson? stands up and appears behind the fence Wilson: Howdy neighbor. Tim: What're you doing over there? Wilson: Oh, just mending the bellows on my accordion. Tim: Cool. Wilson: What's in the trunk? Tim: Famous magician. Wilson: Oh, was he coming out of the box? Tim: As soon as his son comes over and unlocks it. Wilson: Not much of a trick, Tim. Tim: You got a minute? Wilson: Sure, good buddy. You got a problem? Tim: Well, it's Jill. turns to look through the window at Jill, who is on the phone I love her. She's the most important thing in my life. Wilson: What did you do this time, Tim? Tim: We went out tonight to have a night just by ourselves, real romantic, that kind of stuff. And I spoiled it because of a football game. We won, huh! Wilson: Hm-hmm, hm-hmm, hm-hmm. Tim: I don't know what it is about football and me. I'm obsessed, I think. Wilson: Well, why do you think that is, Tim? Tim: I think it's coz I love it, Wilson. I love the surprise, and the strategy, and the strength, picks up a football and the big guys, and the logos, the colorful helmets, the shine and the pads, and the mouth-guards, and the cleats, and the hitting and impacts, and the swearing and sweating. Grunts Arh-arh-arh-arh-arh! Sets me free! Wilson: Well, what you're describing, Tim, is what Aristotle would call a catharsis. Tim: Catharsis, hm? How d'you spell that? C- Wilson: Well, let's just say an emotional release, Tim. Tim: Bingo. Wilson: Hmm. Tim: That's, that's what I feel, and I don't think she understands that. Wilson: Well, she doesn't have to, Tim. I'm sure there are things about her that you don't understand. Tim: Well, you got that right. Y'know, that woman has never had a haircut she liked. Wilson: Well, there you go. Tim: And I go in her closet, I see nineteen pairs of black shoes. What's that all about? Wilson: Well, Tim, different outfits require different shoes. You got your pumps, your flats, your espadrilles, your open toes, your T-straps, your patent leather. I could go on and on. Tim: I get the feeling you could. Wilson: What is important is to share and enjoy the things you both do understand. Tim: That's exactly what she was talking about, too. Sharing, she wanted to share... ballroom dancing. Wilson: Well, why don't you give it a try, Tim? Tim: I-- Wilson: --as the ancient Celtic saying goes, "Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." Tim: Grunts Uhh? comes outside Jill: Sir Larry? Sir Larry: inside the trunk Still in here. Jill: Yes, um, Cyril is on his way over with the keys. Sir Larry: Oh, thank you kind madam. goes over to Tim, who is sitting on a box Tim: Hi. Jill: Hi. Tim: 'Bout tonight, Jill. I know I was stupid. I know I spolied things. And I want to apologize, and I, I, I, I won't watch all-day football anymore. Jill: What about Thanksgiving and New Year's? Tim: Aah, half-day. Or I, I'll cut out the pre-game show or something. I'll just try not to be so stupid about it. Jill: You'd do that for me? Tim: In a second. stands up and goes over to Jill Jill: Well, we can always try and do it again. Go out some evening, have some romance. Tim: Well, we're here, we're alone, the moon's full. It's pretty romantic. What more d'you need? starts playing his accordion. Tim and Jill turn to look, and then laugh. Tim holds out his hand to Jill, to dance Tim: Hi! starts disco dancing Jill: No. slaps Tim and he stops Sir Larry: Singing I'll be loving you, Always. With the love that's true, Always. and Jill dance together When the things you planned, Need a helping hand, I will understand, Always. Fate may not be fair, Always. Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, later. and Al are preparing a cut a hole for a kitchen sink out of a worktop Tim: Once you have cut the opening, you're ready to lay the sink right in there, right Al? Al: Errr, that's right Tim. Tim: You know, home improvement is not just about renovating the kitchen. There's a lot of other ways to improve your home. tries to pick up the sink. It's very heavy so he squats down and drags, on his knees, it over to Tim Alllways be aware of your partner's needs, take time out to share some special time with your spouse. Right Al? Al: I'm not married, Tim. Tim: Well, if you change those shirts. And get a haircut or something. Al: I got a haircut. Tim: Get a better one, Al. and Al are holding the sink over the opening, Tim on one side and Al on the other Al: O.K. Tim: Alright. We'll drop it on three, Al. Al: On three. One, two-- drops it on two. Tim gets his fingers caught under the sink Tim: Ow! Ow! Al! CREDITS and Jill continue to dance to Wilson's accordion playing THE END Category:Scripts